Today, I thought of two things. I was an excellent soccer player as a child, and an excellent flute player as a child. I will always wonder who we may have been before anyone told us who we were, before we were so abused, so damaged.
Does green eyeliner count on St. Patrick’s Day!?
We always have a fabulous time at Chateau Elan! It’s where we have celebrated so many things, including, the first time we were intimate with each other. I dated my first husband EIGHT MONTHS before we were intimate, and here I was my birthday weekend, on my birthday, a month after we started dating! He gave me beautiful flowers, a diamond and emerald tennis bracelet, and something else. I have to think. I remembered! A nice watch! Like he said, “We had already lived life enough to know what we each wanted.” Also, we knew each other for a year prior, totally platonic. He always makes me feel better about things I may beat myself up about. We celebrate our birthdays, our honeymoon, special holidays through the year, such as today. It is a wonderful atmosphere overall! Sometimes, we go offsite and ride horses on a guided trail. Talk about a refreshing feeling! We are home today in our own Chateau McIntosh. Haha! This was a fun short trip! During tax season, if you can believe we squeezed in a trip! The nice thing, it’s not too far from home!
So much resonates in my mind to this song! ❤️
This is damn right here, absolutely right on!
I would like to share, I am finding my authentic self more and more. The more I heal, the more I want to dance. I was so shamed as a child, physically, mentally, and sexually. I feel certain my grandmother molested me from a very young age too. I could never be comfortable about dancing! I associate it with sex, from trauma. Even my daughter will tell you, I warned her sternly raising her when she had school dances, not that I had to because of what I cultivated in her from the start, but I would tell her, “You get out there acting sexual with your dancing, and I will embarrass you.” I always chaperoned where it involved her! She didn’t dance like that. She has always had respect for herself. I taught her that. I have been paralyzed about dancing for a long time, but I used to dance like a pro, as a little girl. I’m proud of myself. I’m thankful for so many things, including encouragement from all my friends here. I do write bluntly and publicly. I hid all our family dysfunction for so long, so ashamed of it, not wanting people to associate me to that, or my daughter, swept under a rug, locked tightly behind the cabinet door! That cabinet burst open with a vengeance the day my brother died. All I had tried to silence, and make go away, running, busy all the time so not to think about it all. My daughter. She had no idea growing up how she sustained me! I would have never placed that burden on her! As an adult, I have danced twice. With my daughter’s dad right before we split up, and with my first husband, the first night we met. We had both always said we’d never hook up with anyone in a bar, and here we were! Still friends today! I am so thankful for his forgiveness!
Whalon would be so proud! Sup world? Placed inside so to last longer, at our most used door, besides the side office door.
I have to share some wonderfully fabulous news! I just purchased tickets for us, and my mom to see Theresa Caputo at the Fox Theatre in June! Do you know how I have hoped for an opportunity to be among her, just to see if she calls me out with a message from my brother! It would mean so much to me! I cannot wait! I only wish my sister didn’t suck by hating me, and could be with us! I told Barry I wanted to have a date there, and dinner soon, promoted by an email I saw earlier. It was amazing when I saw she is coming to Atlanta, and it is an audience participation show, and we have excellent seats! 😬
I knew something was wrong the early morning hours the day my brother died. I knew it. It was so bad I had to come to the couch to catch my breath. I was extremely anxious. I tried so hard to find him that weekend. He knew if he saw me he couldn’t do it. The first question I asked when someone texted me at 12:59pm that day, “Please tell me what I have heard is not true!” I responded, “What have you heard, is my brother dead?” I really don’t know how I even processed that day, and many to come for a while. This girl realized she was the one to inform me and didn’t respond for about 15 minutes. I had to call the police to inquire. I had a friend who was a cop call the county I knew this person’s husband was a cop. I knew my brother’s mother in law lived in that county too.
We had a wonderful dinner tonight at Provino’s in Snellville! This place is fabulous, the food and the atmosphere, so authentic! I had red snapper francese, calimari, salad, and lots of water! It reminds me so much of Chianti’s that used to be in Conyers. I was so sad when they closed. We ate there since my daughter was two. Italian food is one of my favorite eats! Seafood, and Chinese food too!
I connect with this song more than any other song! It is the most familiar words to what I live daily. My dreams are awful. I wake up every single day worn slap out from them, so scared. This song feels like my brother singing to me.
I can’t believe it has been over four years since I heard my brother’s voice, felt his touch, smelled his smell, just name it. I miss him so much. I failed him so much. That is how I feel. He wanted to come over. I would not let him, fearing it would negatively impact his daughter who lived here then. I regret that.
When I first split up with my daughter’s father, I moved in with my father and step mother for three months, believe it or not, only temporarily going in to it. I took a second job at McDonalds on Highway 138 in Conyers, GA. I didn’t have much, not even sufficient work clothes. I was all of 21 years old, with a three year old daughter, having her two weeks before my 18th birthday, 1992. I worked my first job from 10am-6pm as an office/finance manager for a buy here pay here car lot. I sold cars, and did the guts of the business, all the financing and accounting, tag and title work, anything that needed done. We were young starting out, so I started out struggling. The whole reasoning for moving in with my father was to work a short term second job to save money, so me and my daughter were not constantly living paycheck to paycheck. I would get off at 6pm each day in Henry County, a good drive from home. I had until 6:30pm each day to pick up my daughter from her preschool/daycare, meaning I left my job each day praying there would be no delays! The charge for daycare past 6:30pm was $1.00 per minute, not to mention, the suck ass parent you seem to be if you are late. I was never late! My daughter was never stranded, ever! I would take her to my step mother after picking her up, and leave right away headed to my second job at McDonalds, all to save money.
I ran the drive thru like a pro, and thoroughly enjoyed it! I would leave there at 1am or later each early morning, go home to sleep a few hours, then get up and start all over again at 6am that same morning. It was SO hard! I was SO tired! I have no idea how I did it, besides being carried by a higher power. In my belief, that is God. I would wake up, put on a happy face for the morning for my happily precious ambitious daughter who motivated me so much!, and I would dive in the day.
Listen up, readers. I know it is hard. I know the feeling of laying in bed paralyzed by bullshit, fighting so hard to stay here! I truly do! Let me give you some encouragement! If I can do it, so can YOU! Please, be inspired to do it anyway through me!
Dinner is served thanks to my good husband! I feel bad for those who do not know his chili! The meat has a fabulous taste to it, like a well seasoned steak! It smells fabulous too! All organic!