May 27, 2011

My decorated graduate May 27, 2011. The most accomplished feeling I have ever felt, especially from whence I came. She already has one college degree that she finished in May 2014, and she will have her bachelor of science in nursing soon, graduating August 27th. She makes me proud! I was determined she would get here, a parent’s job, getting them to the next level of life.  

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66 Things for Your Birthday

Dear Father, 

As you celebrate your 66th birthday today, with boys who look so much like my brother, I want you to remember these 66 things you taught me and my brother, or made us feel. 

1. Stupid

2. Shamed

3. Unloved

4. Unwanted

5. Fat

6. Eating disorder

7. Anger issues

8. Abandonment issues

9. Trust issues

10. Guilt

11. Depression

12. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

13. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

14. You took away our joy

15. Fear of guns

16. The inability to cry

17. Unworthy

18. Teen mom (me)

19. High school drop out

20. Violence

21. Shunned

22. A burden to you

23. Denied

24. Unprotected

25. Abused

26. Punished

27. Self destruction

28. Sex at age 12 (me)

29. Homelessness

30. Irrational fears

31. Anxiety

32. Self-criticism

33. Self-defeating behavior

34. Over anxious disorder

35. Conformity

36. Cognitive dissonance

37. Cognitive overload

38. Childhood amnesia

39. Brainwashing

40. Battered child syndrome

41. Unsupported

42. Alone

43. Scared

44. Sadness 

45. Anhedonia

46. Automatic thoughts

47. Avoidance

48. Abortion (me)

49. Lack of confidence

50. Introjective depression

51. Dysphoria

52. Juvenille delinquency

53. Drug addiction in adolescence

54. Excluded

55. Lack of belonging

56. People pleaser

57. Hopeless

58. Damaged

59. Unapproved

60. Maladapted

61. Broken

62. Unwelcomed

63. Disregarded

64. Unvalued

65. Helpless

66. Extreme hypervigilance

On this day six years ago, May 27, 2011, you came to my only child’s graduation, with your soon to be wife at the time. You knew she was not mentally stable, yet you brought her anyway, always trying to save the day for everyone else. Five minutes in to my daughter’s graduation, you left, because your girlfriend, younger than me, had a panic attack. 

A complete stranger caused you to miss my daughter’s accomplishments. She graduated this night number six in her class, Board Scholar, with highest honors, double dual certified, a college preparatory diploma, with 15 awards, and $85,000 in scholarships. Like all of our lives, mine and my siblings, you missed it. 

My brother’s list would be greater. You are the reason I have had to work my whole life undoing the damage. You are the reason my brother put a gun to his head and blew his brains out. It takes a lot of mental strength to overcome the abuse you did to us. Not everyone has a good support system. It is so hard to stay in front of a traumatized brain. 

Our Adverse Childhood Experiences top the charts, thanks to you. Our scores, a 10. The highest possible score. I have no idea how you sleep at night, look yourself in the mirror, or face each day. My brother died knowing he meant absolutely nothing to you. You came crying the day after. Too late. The damage was done. 

As you spend your 66th birthday with your 38 year old gold digging wife, and her sons who favor my brother so much, I hope my brother’s spirit haunts you to the point of crazy. You made him the monster he was with your demons. I only wish he would have taken you and your ex with him. 

Happy 66th Birthday to the man who abused us horribly as innocent and helpless children, who beat us down with his words, his fists, and any object in his path. You lied on all three of us at times, even me in court.

 In hindsight, I never had a daddy. I have a momma, and she was my momma and my daddy.