Sister

I had the best day today, mostly spent patio style, our favorite! I laughed at my sister from another mister, Brooke McBride Hannah! We always laugh! She painted so much today for me! I swear, she works like a man, and quality work too! See you tomorrow, Brooke Lynn!

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Nikolas Cruz – Be His Advocate

I hope this Cruz guy has people being his advocate! It is a shame none of those teachers protected him like they did the students being shot! So many adults failed this guy. To the boy in the news who called him disgusting, go home silver spoon fed boy! You would not be able to walk a day in his shoes! Let’s all be the voice for Cruz, he deserves as much attention as those people dead. He is very damaged by many adults watching him be excluded and abused. Shame on you! I’m going to see him, to put my arms around him, to tell him he is not alone!

Everyone failed this guy! He was just as important as those who are gone now! Shame on so many people! This is not okay!

Shame on You!

Shame on the teachers and adults who watched this Cruz kid be excluded. We need to be more public about bullies who treat others poorly. They all avoided him and excluded him, and already, he had no safety net. He deserved to be among anyone else, and included. This should not have been allowed! Shame on you all who turn a blind eye to wrong doings! We need to call out the adult bullies who keep this going by teaching their kids to exclude others by excluding others and being mean to others themselves. I live among three women who sit back and make fun of me for what I deal with, always making it a point to let me know they are all friends, but never once did any of them even try to get to know me. One is a teacher, one is a Registered Nurse, and all of them are mothers. Bottom line, they should know better, especially the teacher!

I am 43 years old and they have all made me feel so shitty in the worse times of my life. Shame on all three of you, and the court reporter. You all four are the reason we have kids who exclude others. I would certainly be afraid of having a sickly child, or a child period, treating others poorly. I have always been for the underdog, and always included everyone, and so does my daughter! I taught her that!

Same to the mean ass women at Providence, Peyton’s old school! They were so ugly to me, and never included me in anything, didn’t even speak or introduce themselves, or even invite me or Peyton, only their kids. They excluded the hell out of Peyton and she cried all the time feeling left out by those kids! That is not okay! The more we call the mean and shitty people out, and make them known, the more it will stop!

I love all the mental health coverage today, knowing the whole world is watching! Shame on those kids who avoided him! He needed love just like they do, and he deserved it as much as they do! I hope in all this, people realize more kids are stranded every day, creating such a mess in our society. They become angry adults who feel worthless by being so excluded, and not everyone has the ability to be so resilient. My neighbor’s kids are such bullies, taught by all of our neighbors, adults, who bully and have no regard for others. The oldest was so mean to my niece, yelling and verbally being mean to her, even spit on her. She sees her momma and daddy’s mean spirit to others, and that is what you get, over and over again. That is not okay, because this is what you will continue to see more and more as a result, until it is stopped! It is not okay to bully anyone, or exclude them! We had to spend over $7,000 putting in cameras recording all around our house at all times to make them stop bullying and being mean to me. That is not okay! You would not believe all that they did to me all these years until we put up cameras. The police have to know who the problem was now that it all has completely stopped. I had them out here at least 15 times!

Shame on anyone who mistreats others with no regard for their feelings, and how their exclusion may make them feel. I’m 43 years old, and it has been hard for me at times in the way I feel already because of my father, worthless, then they treat me like he did, further making me feel like something is wrong with me. I can’t imagine being a kid with all these mean ass elitist kids taught hate.

Teachers at Parkland, you could have prevented this by not turning a blind eye to the fact other kids excluded him. Teachers should have fostered a way to correct that and made others include him.

My only hope in Cruz’s actual actions, besides all the mental health coverage going on so needed to take away the stigma, is that he took out someone who bullied him. More people need to realize what needs to be done, and that is to put a stop to mean people who exclude others. Call them out publicly naming them so the world knows.

No doubt this Cruz kid did things he did! All you educated people should do your research on behavior and what motivates behavior, and what happens when you develop in shit! The world fails miserably to help those with mental health issues! That is not okay!

#STOPEXCLUDINGPEOPLE

#STOPBULLYING

#CALLOUTTHEBULLIES

#MEANPEOPLESUCK

Today, I Failed Miserably

Today, I failed miserably. My “seemingly perfect life” is not always so perfect. I woke up in a fabulous mood, and one loud tone plus hot flashes, several times today, I exploded. I wore shorts and a t-shirt all day, and flip flops. I am sure the carpet people thought it odd based on the weather here today. One thing that helped me, one of the installers was singing, and the songs were so beautiful. He was installing carpet in the living room, and I was working at my desk. I asked him did he sing in the choir, he sounded great to me, and the songs were so peaceful.

I would like to tell everyone, do not waste your money on the iPhone X! It sucks! Today, in my triggered frustrated moment, after my phone froze up for the umpteenth time, and sent out SOS emergency texts, even calling 911, and I couldn’t get it to work right for 20 minutes, I stood up, and inside the Otter Box and all, slammed that son of a bitch to the ground! Next, I told the phone, you won’t freeze up now! It is demolished. Barry said only I could destroy a phone in an Otter Box, but I’m sure given the right circumstance, there are many more like me than you realize. I am now back to my bent old iPhone 6Plus, and I couldn’t be happier! My phone! It’s back!!!!

In my triggered frustrations, I busted a $200 lamp, and one of our printers. It sucks dealing with C-PTSD! I do stay in front of it all usually, but I don’t know who could have managed given all I have been through.

I struggled today so much! I could feel my heart beating way too fast all day. I could not get settled at all. I have a lot on my mind with dates that remind me of things. This month is the hardest! I am so thankful everyone agreed to release my brother’s body to me, and not to my father to bury him in a plot with our twin brothers he killed, and his parents. My brother’s final wishes were well known to all, he voiced them to everyone! To be cremated and scattered over Sanford Stadium. That was what he got too! I would have shot and killed a bunch of folks that day, had it gone any other way! Then myself, or suicide by cop! I am thankful it went the way my brother wanted. I have come so far since then!!

Getting ready for new carpet today, I found a plastic tub under my bed full of my brother’s stuff. It was really emotional and extremely hard for me to process all that I felt all at once. My mom had placed his visor hat in a sandwich baggy to preserve his smell. I put that hat to my nose, and smelled like I’ve never smelled before, trembling uncontrollably, and crying. His pencil and pen pouch with all the things he loved, all types of pens, Batman pencils, Georgia Bulldog stuff. Things he collected. There are so many more emotions that I don’t even have the energy to convey, at least for now. I’m so tired. I feel like the mind of a 90 year old woman, worn slap out! I couldn’t imagine if I didn’t have such a peaceful set up life. I honestly do not think I could really handle providing for my very own basic needs at this point.

My support system is so awesome! I wish everyone had that available to them!

I want everyone who deals with crap to understand, you are not alone! Do not let people who suck make you feel messed up for what you deal with, the result of abuse and neglect. It isn’t up to them!

A Fun Day

When my desk looks like this at the end of the day, you know it has been a productive one! It was a fun day too, because two of my good friends came over to do some work for me. We laughed and reminisced so much! My friend, Melinda , friends since sixth grade, moved my whole closet upstairs for me, and filed, while I did seven tax returns. I have many more, but seven a day is a good day. Some days in this time I will do 20 plus a day. My friend, Brook Lynn hauled off all our boxes for us! Our garage was inundated with boxes. It feels so good!

Next up, a house full of new carpet tomorrow, grey, 11 tax returns ready to do in the morning, wallpapering our bathroom and closet, interior painting finished up, making the garage an Irish pub, painting the exterior, cutting down about 10 huge pine trees, and tearing down our awful fence, replacing it with one like we had at our old house, done with decking wood, not cheesy cheep wood panels. My father used to tell people how to get to our old house, look for a $200,000 home, although it wasn’t, and a million dollar fence, and clearly it wasn’t either! We got a fantastic deal on the fence that should have cost us about $20,000, for $8,000. Our house will be good for at least five more years, if we are here that long, who knows. One thing is for sure, I will not be too far from my daughter! She will always have a support system in me, so long as I am here!

Check out the nice ending to my day. My beer has updated to a new and improved look, going from a 12 ounce bottle to a 16 ounce can. I don’t drink every day, but boy I could! It sure does numb a whole lot of stuff! I’m thankful I get sick if I drink too much, which prevents me from doing it. I learned my limit very young!

Resigned

I am so thankful Barry resigned as treasurer for our neighborhood home owner’s association. He did it for three years, which meant we did it. He did the annual budget, and I processed all the payments and prepared the deposits. Because we work from home, we only go to Covington about once every seven to 10 days. Our dues are $400 a year, due upon receipt. The bills go out by January 1st. Man, those payments straggled in all year long, every single year, the same people. Even late, people would have the nerve to call us bitching, because you didn’t run their checks to the bank right away to make the deposit, always thinking only of self. Never mind they were six months late, or later. Clearly, because they can’t manage their money. I always told any who complained the same, you don’t dictate when we go to the bank, especially late payments, and if they don’t like how we did it, come go the bank yourself, or better yet, take over the whole free duty.

It was a lot of work for free! I did much of it to help Barry! I’m thankful this year, I didn’t have to deal with that at all! At the end of the year 2017, I told Barry that I would no longer participate in that stressor of a job, so unappreciated. He was already contemplating resigning because he agrees with me, so it worked out perfectly. He resigned at the last meeting of the year!

I say anyone who complains about how someone does free work, do it yourself. We have about 250 houses in our neighborhood, I believe. You don’t realize how much work that is until you go through a season doing it. I’m all about free work where there is a need, but gratitude sustains my desire to do that.

My life is purposeful. Everything I do is done by choosing to do so. Only I dictate how I live it. Next, I consider Barry’s desires.

The world is full of leeches, sucking our world dry as takers without any plan of contribution. I have never been that kind of person. It is the very least one can do, contribute goodness back to this world.

Peaceful

My mom came today. I invited her. She called me on the 9th and left me a voicemail, and I didn’t know it until the 10th, so I texted her. This morning, I invited her for coffee. She came and stayed for several hours. It was so nice. I think it was the first time we have ever visited without arguing. Ever. I enjoyed it. My mom went through a lot as a child, and young mother with our father. He abused her horribly, even put loaded guns to her head and pulled the trigger. He played Russian roulette with her a lot, and raped her the first time she ever had sex, at age 16. She is a strong woman who instilled a good value set in me in my first 12 years of life. I did not even hear her say the F word until I was 14. She is also beautiful! I sent her a text and told her that when she left. She responded with, “You look just like me!” I do too! I forgot to get her picture, so I had her send me one when she got home. Pictures do no justice though. When I saw her she had her scarf all neatly around her neck. Guess how old she is? She just got over the flu too!

I feel somewhat peaceful today, more and more each day. I’m so glad too. It’s tough to go through stuff, learning your new normal. It is such a hard transition. I miss my brother, but I am peaceful knowing he no longer suffers with all the bullshit that comes in adulthood after childhood abuse. I am constantly reminded with things you cannot ignore, that I know for sure are signs letting me know he is okay and with me. I no longer have to worry about him, because God knows I did. When I say I was his keeper, it’s an understatement. I always protected him as much as I possibly could. I too was a child, and one thing I have learned to do is to forgive myself, and realize, I was a scared child like him. I didn’t even know I was scared then until I lost my brother to suicide in 2014, and it all resurfaced like my present life, reminded in my dreams daily reliving those days. The same dream every night. The hard part is understanding how he came to be who he was in adulthood. Poor little buddy. He never had a chance.

If you have a brother, go and hug him and cherish his presence. Each other’s presence. I regret not spending more time with him. Spend time with your siblings. One day, we are all going to die. We never know when.

Times

At 2 am this morning, I woke up to a bad dream, sliding backwards in our bed yelling for Barry to wake up, “there they are!” I thought our television was a window, and those people there were there to harm me. It was so fucking weird! I was so embarrassed at first. It was short lived. My husband is precious! He holds me when I need it. 🙂 I never remember being consoled when I cried. My mom was a good mom until I was 12. I’m sure she kissed my tears away. I’m just saying. I don’t remember those times.