Fluttering heart

Last night, my heart just fluttered as I was falling asleep. I was exhausted, having been going since 6 am. It was an extremely productive day, but tiring nonetheless. It was 11 pm by now, and my heart fluttered terribly. I had already taken my beta blocker, and knew what I was experiencing was only anxiety. I rolled in to Barry, and eventually fell asleep on his chest. My most favorite, and safest place in the world! I had the weirdest feelings, as I realized how long it has been since I have seen my brother, or heard his voice, along with the reality that I never will. I felt like I had let him down in so many ways in that moment. Peyton asked me at dinner about the time he asked me could he come over just a few weeks before he died, and I told him no. It gave me a sick feeling in my stomach, to think, what I would give to go back and have that chance to do over again. I would have moved him in to my house, and helped him get over his sadness, and to discover his self worth. Peyton asked me why I told him no at dinner. I reminded her that I had no idea he was suicidal, and that I only thought I was protecting her. She had already been through so much, and she was doing so good, considering, and it was because I sheltered her little mind, and allowed her to be a child. In that moment, I felt like total shit. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it either. That is the hardest part. I also received a second letter from Peyton’s mom yesterday in two weeks. She tells me over and over how much gratitude she has for me, and thanks me for being who I am so many times, for loving her and Peyton. It is so similar to reading letters my brother used to send me. I fell asleep in sheer panic last night. My heart fluttered all night, and I woke up about every three hours.

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