What a story I have to write about regarding this picture! I am very busy, but keeping notes. I will be back writing soon. This picture was taken last night, in our garage. We rarely open our garage door. If you look back on my FB pictures under my personal page, Kristen McIntosh, you will see another picture quite similar to this picture. Both came after specifically praying, both confirming those things I had prayed for. A sign from my brother that he is with me. I needed that yesterday. I have needed his big strong arms more than I have ever since he died, as my family has continuously done such hurtful things to me, all in the face of his death. He would be so disappointed in them not being there for me during what he knew would be so sad for me. His own mother and sister did not even come to his funeral. He would be sad to know that. I am so thankful for Barry who helps me with his big strong love.
This picture came after such a releasing day, as I met with my counselor, Jennifer Key for FOUR hours yesterday! She was precious too, and helped me so much. I cried more than I have ever, my entire life. I talked about things that have haunted me since my brother’s death. Regrets. I was busy. I was obtaining my paralegal certificate. I was finishing my degree. I was raising his daughter, just like my own. I did not spend time with him. He had nobody, really who made him feel important and loved. Dreams. Flashbacks. Horrible visions, and memories of a time we were extremely abused and humiliated by our father. It was not his fault, in fairness. Our father had undiagnosed PTSD then, from being in Vietnam War. That makes me sad. I still do not know how he could reconcile lying against me. He could have came to me and apologized. I would have understood as an adult almost finished with my psychology degree, who has done much self discovery. Also, as a mother who made mistakes too. To lie, against your own child. I could not imagine!
I am so thankful for Jennifer. I began seeing her in 2011. She inspired me in so many ways to keep on pushing, and reaching my goals. I can’t wait to write again! I never understood why people always told me how strong I was through my life. I have heard that all my life. It used to make me mad, because I felt like people saw me as a bully. I so wasn’t! I had only been in one fight in my life with a girl at school, besides my sister, who abused me constantly. I realize now they were not talking, physically. They were talking, mentally, and emotionally.
I realized yesterday, that I still have little self worth, but I have come so very far in that too. My brother had none. That makes me so sad that I didn’t help him by spending time with him more. I was angry at him. I was angry at Peyton’s mom. I was so tired of their poor choices affecting Peyton. I do not tolerate excuses where children are concerned. You either suck or you don’t! There is no grey area with children. You don’t have that right! Peyton thrived continuously since being here with us, and much was attributed to us sheltering her innocence. I do not have time for those who continue the pattern. But, I also know, it was out of my brother’s reach. He was so damaged. Knowing that, and how we developed as once innocent and free children, and understanding human development, I take comfort in knowing that he is now free from all that. I can promise you that I will carry on his memory, forever, so long as I am here!
I will be back soon! ❤️ Thank you to my readers! You help me so much! ❤️