Yesterday at 2:00 pm was my great uncle, Gene’s funeral. I struggled with whether or not to go for days before his death. I wanted to go, out of love and respect for him, but I wondered if I could handle it, due to those I might face there, my mother’s side of the family.
I made the decision at 11:00 am yesterday that I was not going. I woke up at 3 am, and could not go back to sleep. After getting Peyton off to school for her first day of seventh grade, I was able to sleep until 10:30. Barry is so wonderful! He had everything handled when I woke up, including all the dogs, and their pools. Haha. I appreciate him so much!
I had explained my feelings to my great aunt the night before, that I may not come to the funeral. I told her I might, but I did not think I could. She completely understood my reasoning.
I made myself sick trying to make that decision, when all along, I should have just done what worked best for me. I knew what was best for me was not to go. I knew my mother would be there, which is fine. He was her uncle first, her dad’s brother, whom she was extremely close to. She was her dad’s favorite. Hence, I was their favorite grandchild. I look just like her, and we were alike in many ways as kids. I also knew my uncle who raped me would be there. The last time I saw him was at my cousin’s funeral in 2010. I wish him well, and do not hold anything against him, but I don’t know how all those years I continued to go around him as if nothing had ever happened. Even when his father lived in our home in 2005 & 2006, and I was his caretaker during chemo treatments and radiation. He came in our home during that time, and I thought I could handle that. Boy, was I wrong. However, it opened doors that made me grow.
I also knew my aunt would be there that I loved a lot growing up, and thought she loved me. Ha! I have not heard from her since the month after my brother died. She is the one I asked to live with at age 12. She told me no. I did not understand why then. I do as an adult, but cannot imagine telling a child no, who looks to me for protection, love, and guidance. She knew we were in a mess, so did many others, who did absolutely nothing. I so didn’t want to see her yesterday and her come and fake that she cares about me to my face at a funeral.
Again, I wish everyone well, I truly do. These are just my feelings as they relate to me through first hand experience.
I spent my day doing what I love! With my sweet husband working from the comfort of home, having coffee, and working in the yard. I bathed all four big dogs, cleaned all their crates, did routine things that keep our home going each day, and made Peyton’s favorite meal for dinner, yellow rice and chicken. She came in from volleyball practice and happily said, “Something smells good all the way in the driveway!” She just melted when she realized it was her favorite meal. She knows she is special and I’m so glad for that. She is worth it! She hugged me at least 10 times from the time she got home yesterday until she went to bed. She loves her Sissy and uncle Barry! It wouldn’t be a normal day in our home either if she and Barry did not pop me on the bottom at least 20 times when they walk by me. She calls me Big Booty Judy. Haha!
While bathing my dogs, I enjoyed so many birds. They come daily, all day, all different kinds. We feed them well! Gene loved the birds, and nature, the landscaping and nice scenery. I felt like I was with him more than ever in my favorite place. At home, on our patio.
Do what is best for you. If I could say one thing I regret in my life, it would be that I disregarded my own feelings to accommodate others. Of course, we all have to compromise at times in life, but you never have to disregard your own feelings when it comes to what works best for you.