You took away my joy, and crushed my spirit in to a million tiny pieces. I always thought something was wrong with us, and that was why you hurt us. You made me feel so unworthy in this world, and I have a terrible fear of abandonment and rejection that I hide very well. The simple act of a cabinet accidentally shutting too hard can take me back to so many traumatic times among you. As hard as I tried, it was never good enough for either of you. I saw this statement yesterday, and it made me have many emotions regarding the way I have processed such deep pain from abuse and neglect as a child these last three years. It made me have much to say.
You have no idea what it’s been like to live in my body these last few years, and all my life for that matter. I have no idea how you look at two boys who look so much like your son, and make their lives happy and joyful. Don’t get me wrong, they deserve it. It isn’t their fault. All I can see is a little boy coming to sit innocently at your kitchen table to eat his dinner, happy and carefree. Out of nowhere, without any warning, you knocked him backwards with your fist, all because he had on a ball cap, at your table. “Boy, don’t you ever come to my Goddamn table with a hat on!” Those words ring out in my head, day and night, among many others. The vision of my sweet little brother so humiliated, so scared, and so confused, not knowing what in the world he did so wrong is what I see most every day. All to impress the woman you married who hated us. Didn’t you know you were hurting us? Didn’t you know we were scared? Why didn’t we matter to you? That is truthfully what I would like to know before death.
There were only three times in my 42 years of life you have ever made me feel loved. In 1997 when you showed up at the hospital when I was admitted for a week for surgery. I didn’t call you. I didn’t think it would matter to you. It made me feel good when you busted through those doors upset worried about me, wondering why someone else called you instead of me. In 2000, when you took me for a medical procedure, and walking me down the aisle to get married in 2003. That’s really sad. After I heard of your new wife making you a video discussing 65 things for your last birthday, to include her sons telling you how good you are to them, I made my own list of 65 things you gave to me, made me feel or become, or taught me. I actually made it 66, to share with you on your upcoming 66th birthday.
I make absolutely no apologies for how I choose or chose to repair what you took from me. Absolutely none! As much as I know I am, I feel like nothing because of you. I fight hard keeping myself above water. My daughter taught me how to do that, and she didn’t even know she was teaching me anything at the time. I never gave her the job you gave to me. My brother tried fighting for it. His damage was far more severe than mine. I will always be his voice.
Until he died, it didn’t matter much to me about the damage done to us as children, besides watching him suffer daily from the demons, the long term effects of it all. He could never find peace, and he felt so unworthy because of you and your ex of 22 years, he always scraped the bottom of the bucket to find women. He didn’t feel he was good enough for someone decent. That is thanks to you and whom you chose as a spouse.
I make no apologies for how I choose to heal. None!