I woke up from a dream this morning regarding my husband’s ex wife. His children’s mother. It made me sad. She and my husband have been completely alienated from their grandchildren’s lives. It is sad. From their son too. It is awful, and people just turn a blind eye to it. Even my own husband’s father plays in to it all, and turns a blind eye. He has no family loyalty, for certain.
My dream was regarding their first grandchild’s first birthday. My husband did not even meet her until she was six months old. The birthday party was scheduled purposely on a weekeday so that the paternal grandmother and aunt could not be there. Still not sure why we were even invited. Nobody spoke to us, and the maternal grandmother took the grandchild out of my husband’s lap without even speaking to him, to feed her. I guess she thought he was incapable of feeding her. She took full control of that child, even to take her from the party to the tub. I told my husband, if your ex wife (naming her) tried to do that, daughter in law from hell (DFH) would not have allowed it. She would have found a problem with it, and told her not to do it. If I could go back to that time, I would have handled it so differently. I would have put our feelings first, above all others.
I woke up with a heavy heart for my husband’s ex wife, the grandmother to their alienated grandchildren. One he has never met. Last I knew, paternal grandmother has never been able to be unsupervised with her own grandchildren. Nor has paternal aunt. Is this the new thing, or is this just the daughter in law from hell? Her parents have full reign anytime, anywhere, anyhow. It is awful! Yet, these people run to church and present themselves to God as if they are doing something better, or even right.
One of the greatest things I am proud of in raising my daughter was that I always gave her grandparents and father the same access as myself to her. They loved her, and she loved them. Why would I deny that to her? It disrupts the dynamics of family too. I was secure enough with myself as her mom, and I shared her with people who loved her like me. How selfish to do otherwise!
I will never forget the time DFH was at our house, and the grandchild began to cry. DFH raised up off the sofa as if to say we were incapable of handling a child for any reason. In hindsight, I would have so put her in her place, possibly making them leave. They used the hell out of my husband, and treated him horribly! I would have reminded her not to forget we have raised three kids between us, and my nephews and niece. We are quite capable of being around my husband’s grandchildren, so is the paternal grandmother. Not to mention, she would not have those children without my husband and his ex wife.
When first grandchild was under a year old, DFH told me herself that she needed a baby sitter for first grandchild. Maternal grandmother could not keep her, so DFH threatened her that she would just call paternal grandmother to keep her. Maternal grandmother demanded she not allow paternal grandmother to ever keep her, because “she is crazy”. What on Earth!? What makes her crazy for starters, and hello? Do you not remember all the times this woman kept you in her family when you were forcing her son to do what your parents did? She encouraged you, and helped you. Most importantly, she loved her kids raising them. She protected them in all ways besides the bitterness from hurt to my husband, but she was a good mom, and certainly a deserving grandmother. She was even told by DFH that the grandmother name she wanted to be called was not allowed. It was “too ghetto” to DFH. WTF!? Does she not forget paternal grandmother is the matriach to her family? How disrespectful! Of course, maternal grandparents got their first choice! We were told what we had to be called, but our grandchildren will call us Big Daddy and Big Momma. We earned that right as grandparents busting our asses and making sacrifices for their parents, in our case times four. Do not tell me what my grandchildren will call me.
This is sad to say, but my husband is okay with the absence. He feels he lost his kids long ago. He regrets the way all that happend. He is also human. He never stopped loving his children, nor did he intend to hurt them. Divorce happens all the time in healthy ways with kids. It takes both parents fostering love for the other. Hard to do sometimes when you are hurt.
I am saddened for the paternal grandmother, whom I know is a wonderful person, who would protect her grandchildren as much as she would her own children. She is an alienated grandmother, now mom too. Knowing her, I can imagine she is saddened, and feels a huge whole in her heart. My heart ached for her more today than the usual regarding that situation.
Dreams are powerful things, reminders.