Follow Up

I had an afternoon doctor’s appointment yesterday. Just a follow up regarding specialty appointments, and medication discussion. My gastroenterologist recommended Amitriptaline back a few months ago to treat my severe gastritis. This medicine blocks the nerves between the stomach and the brain, preventing my brain, which thinks nonstop even when I am sleeping, from causing my stomach to stay so irritated, because of the acids constantly being stirred up from my thoughts. We increased this medication today. I am hopeful. It is similar to the Stellate Ganglion Block (SGB) in the way it works. I will take that for now, in hopes that one day I gain access to the SGB. 
I also took a new antibiotic recently called Xifaxin, prescribed by my gastroenterologist. The price with insurance $437! Without, nearly $1600! This new drug is absorbed through your digestive tract, cleaning out all the bad bacteria, leaving all the good. This drug helped me SO much! Not to be gross, but I have not had a solid poop in over three years, due to stress. I finally have solid poop! Also, I found out a month ago that I had an anal fissure from the constant diarrhea from being constantly attacked maliciously, dealing with so much being done to me by others. I bled lots of blood daily for a year. I just knew I was dying! My doctor treated me recently with an ointment for four weeks, I had to treat it actually. He told me if it was not healed within 30 days, he was doing surgery due to so much blood loss, for so long. I had second degree hemorrhoids too as a result. It was brutal! As he put it, “Ohhh!, you have a lot of activity going on there!” I prayed this ointment would heal my fissure, and the other to prevent surgery. I have known others who had the surgery, and it is brutal! Guess what? No more fissure, and no more hemorrhoids. No more blood either. 
I was blind sided yesterday with more hurt and deception, which made today feel like December 2015. Otherwise, my body seems to be healing with my brutal stomach issues that began after losing my brother to suicide 2/10/14, then by all the loss that followed. 
I am thankful to all my friends here who prayed for me regarding these issues! 
Also, to all those who prayed for me the other week, for unknown reasons. Thank you who did! Would you believe the Dr. Phil show contacted me that day, offered us round trip tickets all expenses paid, so long as my father participated. I said, oh good luck. He will not participate. The producer said, “You don’t think if I present to your father that you have questions and need closure, and doesn’t he love you enough to give that to you that he would participate?” I said, nope. He doesn’t even love me, so no. He will not participate, and the reason is because all his lies will be revealed. They will with, or without Dr. Phil, but that is why I knew he wouldn’t participate, I told her. I was right too. My father could care less if I died. So, as of now, I don’t know where it leaves us with the Dr. Phil show. I am about ready to close that hope. My hope with him was to make sense of it all, which I have done mostly by finishing my bachelor’s degree in psychology. It would be so nice to have the help from him to help process it all, for me to have closure, to be able to move forward regarding such damaged relationships, such abuse, being the scapegoat of my family, and what it has done to me mentally. I also hoped for access to the SGB through Dr. Phil. I have almost given up on ever meeting him though. 
I would like to say, if you have a daddy, you are so lucky. I never had a daddy. Wouldn’t even know what it felt like. I admire the dads who love their children. I had a father who beat me down to the ground and humiliated me with his fists and words. He abused us horribly, and the least he could do is give me closure. I expected nothing less from a man who hangs a Purple Heart in his home claiming to have earned, he so did not earn! This man put a loaded gun to my brother’s head at age 17, to his temple, and ordered him out the front door. I could not even imagine the thought of doing such to my child! If my father was at all sincere or remorseful in the damage he did to us by his horrific abuse to us as children, and early adulthood, the reason my brother is dead, he would do whatever it took. Instead, he raises teenaged boys who look so much like my brother, his step sons. I bet you this! I bet those boys can sit down at his dinner table peacefully with a ball cap on, without fearing being punched backwards. I don’t know how he sleeps at night! I don’t know how many sleep at night.
We enjoyed a nice early afternoon Hooter’s lunch afterwards!


2 thoughts on “Follow Up

  1. My goodness, I felt pained reading your post. I know how my stomach gets all bunched up and upset over minor stress and I can’t even imagine with the trying situation you find yourself in. I pray that with your doctor and the treatments you’ll find healing. About your dad, I don’t even know what to say. Maybe you are better off moving on and expecting nothing whatsoever from him. It’s his loss.

    1. You are precious. Thank you! I’m trying so hard to move on. I knew he wouldn’t participate. He’s told too many lies, so he is afraid of that coming out. I have good news though! The last two nights since they increased my medication at night, I have no memories of any dreams. I am so hopeful! I appreciate you taking to time to read my posts and encouraging me.

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