Peaceful

My mom came today. I invited her. She called me on the 9th and left me a voicemail, and I didn’t know it until the 10th, so I texted her. This morning, I invited her for coffee. She came and stayed for several hours. It was so nice. I think it was the first time we have ever visited without arguing. Ever. I enjoyed it. My mom went through a lot as a child, and young mother with our father. He abused her horribly, even put loaded guns to her head and pulled the trigger. He played Russian roulette with her a lot, and raped her the first time she ever had sex, at age 16. She is a strong woman who instilled a good value set in me in my first 12 years of life. I did not even hear her say the F word until I was 14. She is also beautiful! I sent her a text and told her that when she left. She responded with, “You look just like me!” I do too! I forgot to get her picture, so I had her send me one when she got home. Pictures do no justice though. When I saw her she had her scarf all neatly around her neck. Guess how old she is? She just got over the flu too!

I feel somewhat peaceful today, more and more each day. I’m so glad too. It’s tough to go through stuff, learning your new normal. It is such a hard transition. I miss my brother, but I am peaceful knowing he no longer suffers with all the bullshit that comes in adulthood after childhood abuse. I am constantly reminded with things you cannot ignore, that I know for sure are signs letting me know he is okay and with me. I no longer have to worry about him, because God knows I did. When I say I was his keeper, it’s an understatement. I always protected him as much as I possibly could. I too was a child, and one thing I have learned to do is to forgive myself, and realize, I was a scared child like him. I didn’t even know I was scared then until I lost my brother to suicide in 2014, and it all resurfaced like my present life, reminded in my dreams daily reliving those days. The same dream every night. The hard part is understanding how he came to be who he was in adulthood. Poor little buddy. He never had a chance.

If you have a brother, go and hug him and cherish his presence. Each other’s presence. I regret not spending more time with him. Spend time with your siblings. One day, we are all going to die. We never know when.

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