It is really strange to believe someone means you no harm who hates you, yet constantly searches and reads my blog. I get stats every day that tell me how people get to my blog. These people hate me, but love reading about my life. Many of my friends tell me it is because they envy me, that I have reached a level in life they have failed to reach. I have never had that kind of heart, even with shitty people. Even if someone won the lottery that I know, and they did not share it with me, I would be so happy for them! I have always wanted everyone to be successful in life, happy, loved, warm, fed, and safe.
The one time I searched out daily for a person’s postings whom I didn’t like, I was on a mission. She had fucked with me in a dangerous way. I learned everything about this person. Thankfully, when I went to her job one night, someone protected her, and maybe me. Maybe it was God. I went to kill her that night, with my bare hands. That was my purpose for reading her FB, although I did not like her then.
I prayed so hard for God to take that from me, and cried and cried through counseling for two years to understand why that incident hurt me so deeply. I am so thankful for the Mondays I pressed on, showing up at my counselor’s office as scheduled, facing horribly painful events each time from my developmental years in childhood, as agreed, according to his contract. In order to resolve it all, you have to show up. I signed a contract with him from the start of what was expected of me. I respect those types of things too, and how a person runs their business.
I resolved a lot of conflict in my head in those two years! This counselor was a man. I chose him for that reason, purposefully. I hated men for a very long time. Hated! They all sucked to me, maybe five percent didn’t, and all I could ever hear in my head around men was, “Danger, danger, danger!”
I learned to be more comfortable around men, and how not to hate them all. I learned a lot about behavior, and what motivates behavior through my experiences, in addition to pursuing my bachelor’s degree in psychology, only 10 months left. It all truly grounded me in such a time so needed. Even losing my brother. One of my classes ended the day after he died regarding behavior, and where all the shit in adulthood comes from. I promise you. It all saved me when I needed it.
It feels strange to say, but I have learned that not everything requires a response, to respect myself, beginning with love, and that things could always be worse. I have learned to detach from things and people, and how to die. I truly have. I have learned that a person’s behavior is about them, not me.
I am gifting several friends of the books Tuesdays With Morrie to some of my friends here, but if you do not have this book, it is a wonderful lesson! I feel like Morrie in that book. If we could all get to Morrie’s perception, what a beautiful world it would be! He also taught me what to gift someone who can buy themselves anything. Food! Unique and yummy foods!
I am so thankful for being protected in so many ways, in so many times of my life. It is strange how I have always been able to get back to love over hate with all that I have encountered, but I have. I am thankful for that. I truly do wish every living thing on this Earth well.
I am healing, this I know.
Last night was hard for me. As I got in bed, I noticed a missed call on my charging phone on my nightstand. It was my daughter. I called her back, having not spoken to her since before my birthday, 11/21, and she did not answer. She texted me and said, “I am sorry, I didn’t mean to call you.” What the fuck? It reminded me of when she took out the unnecessary TPO against me in 2016. I finally went out again after three months of being isolated from the world, feeling so rawly and stripped of my parental rights, wrongfully, at the urging of my mom and sister. They knew that was the only way to hurt me. We went to dinner one night back then, and when we came out there was a note on my window side of our truck saying, “I do love you! I really do!” I knew it was from my daughter. I know her hand writing. It set me back so much seeing that note. It felt like she had been kidnapped and I had just missed her, so close. When I watched Natalie Holloway’s mom on a special recently, I could feel her pain. Some of the things she said, I could feel. It is hard to grieve the loss of your only child, especially while they are still living. It blows my mind that my daughter allowed all of this to happen and go on. She knows what lying dysfunctional people they all are, and how much they hate me, and have harmed me all my life. She should have spit in all their faces after my sister took me to court on my daughter’s 20th birthday, 2012, all lies, trying to have me arrested for threatening to kill her and her entire family. She listed everybody she could think of as a witness, and she was lying. I was so scared that day, not fearing going to jail. I would get out of jail. I was fearing my daughter’s memory of her 20th birthday being me going to jail. It stressed me out so much, after court that day, I had to go straight to the dermatologist for a shot due to a rash all over my body, going all up my neck and face. My sister did this to me about 10 times, all lies, and roped my own daughter in to using the legal system to harass me. This crooked judicial system in our town let her too. My sister only did it to divert the attention from her. Her brain injured son came to us then asking for our help to get her hands out of his money. She spent it all in 2011, not even paying their house payment. It was foreclosed. When we helped my nephew take her name off of it all, at his request, she began with the malicious attacks using the legal system to do it, conspiring with both of my parents. They took pleasure in doing this to me, trying to mentally break me. She presented me as herself and her kids, making me out to be who they truly are. She sucks, and has a mess!
Shame on my daughter for allowing it all. She knows me, and should have known better. I am a survivor for sure. I have a clear conscience, that is how I carry on. Since all that, my sister has spent over a million dollars of my brain injured nephew’s money, with nothing to show for it still! They move from rental home to rental home, sometimes skipping out on the landlord, and they have car payments. They should have so much paid for had his money been spent wisely, at least a home and car. She took, and still does take great advantage of him. My daughter knows this.
Also, my sister made Peyton out to a liar recently about Dr. Phil. Of course my sister, and father are scared to go there! The world would then see what dangerously shitty people they are. My daughter knows this too, and still holds them in high regard. It is like my lawyer said back in 2012, “Your nephew will end up in a padded cell, broke, because of your sister. Be glad it isn’t your little red wagon.” I thought that was sad.
I asked my daughter this morning, do you take pleasure in hurting me? It sure feels like she does! She has no regard for me, or my feelings whatsoever.
To my haters, be careful how this makes you feel. You have much to still face, the result of your own messes, while I sit back with a life of what feels to me like royalty.
I love my life. I truly do. A clean house, laundry done, clean sheets, cold weather, thermal pajamas, no bra, Barry, our animals, our comfy bed, leftover chili made by Barry, good movies, and a good book or two! That is the life to me! There will be a little bit of work in there, but it is so lovely in my life. I miss my daughter, and my brother still.